25 1/2 Weeks Preggo

Well, we're 25 1/2 Weeks Preggo

Our Baby Girl is the Size of a Cauliflower

How Far Along? 25 Weeks & 4 days 

Total Weight Gain? 11 pounds

Maternity Clothes? Absolutely!

Sleep? Sleeping Pretty Well.  Just waking up a couple times a night for restroom trips.  The belly is starting to get in the way some, but nothing too bad.

Cravings?  Nothing in particular

Miss Anything? Sleeping the whole night through

Movement? I have been feeling baby girl move since about 16 weeks.  Chris felt her at 17 weeks.  Since a little before 24 weeks, we could see her start moving my belly around. I have a wild woman in there.  This little girl is very active and kicks/punches and rolls around ALL the time!

Showing? Yep

Best Moment this Week?  I have gone 5 days, that's right, 5 days straight without throwing up! Yay!!!  Also, I just love every moment that I get to watch her move my belly all around! :)

Happy or Moody?  While I can find myself irritable at times, I think I've been pretty happy.  I'm getting very excited about moving in the next couple months & the fact that baby girl is coming in about 3 months....While I can't wait to meet her, I am enjoying every second I get feeling her move around!

Looking Forward to?  Just continuing to watch/feel her grow.  I am so in love already! :)

I hate that I have missed getting to blog the last 9 weeks.  Between school starting back, moving into an apartment, getting all our ducks in a row with the house that we're building and just being a wife & mom on top of that, I have stayed so busy and SO tired!  Hopefully I'll start doing a somewhat better job in the future though....We shall see. :)

So, playing catch up some....It took us 3 ultrasounds to complete the anatomy scan on this baby girl.  She was being stubborn (shocker) and not showing us all we needed.  We did finally get to see everything and we are good to go! Praise the Lord.  :)  Since I haven't done one yet, here's a current belly shot of me at 25 1/2 Weeks along with Miss B. 

FYI- I HATE "selfies" but sometimes you do what you gotta do to get the picture!  Haha!

It's a.....

Wow!  I am BEHIND in blogging!  I guess that's what the start of the school year will do to me! Well, last time we left off, I was anxiously awaiting finding out if we were having a sweet baby boy or girl....

Well, the verdict is in, and we're having a................

We are beyond excited that we will be having another precious little girl!  Tenley is absolutely thrilled that she is getting a little sister too!  I've already started the shopping! :)

Also, in my being so behind, I completely missed the 15 weeks blogging update!  Oops! Well, now that I'm 16 weeks, I'll begin there! 

We're 16 Weeks Pregnant

Our Sweet Girl is the Size of an Avocado!

How Far Along? 16 Weeks & 1 day

Total Weight Gain? 6 pounds

Maternity Clothes? Yes

Sleep? Actually I'm starting to sleep better.  The dreams have chilled out a bit, and I usually only have to make 1 or 2 trips to the bathroom during the night.  So, all in all, things are improving there. 

Cravings? I want a sub sandwich SO bad!  Chris refuses to let me have one though since pregnant women aren't supposed to eat lunch meat! Mean old husband!

Miss Anything?  Energy & Sub Sandwiches!!!

Movement? There have been a couple times that I thought I have felt her, but I'm not quite sure!

Showing? Yeah

Happy or Moody? Still Moody at times & EXTREMELY emotional.  I pretty much cry, or at least well up on a daily basis, and half the time, I can't tell you why...

Best Moment this Week?  Miss Tenley started big girl school-- 3 year old Preschool at Trinity, and we had our 16 week check in today & got to hear our little girl's heartbeat. 

Looking Forward to? Hopefully feeling her move more & actually knowing that it is in fact her moving! :)

Boy or Girl????

Well, tomorrow is the big day!!!  We find out if our precious little baby is a girl or a boy.  I am so excited to find out that I can't stand it!  I SO wish I could be one of those people that could wait until delivery to find out, but I am just too impatient to wait!

So, before we go, here are some old wives tales & some family predictions:

1. Chinese Gender Chart Says: Girl   (Not sure if this is valid with IVF though)
2. Are you eating more (boy) or sick/nauseated (girl)?: Boy
3. Do you crave sweet foods (girl) or salty (boy)? Boy
4. Lots of morning sickness (girl), or not too sick (boy)?: Boy
5. Is the heartbeat high (girl) or low (boy)? Girl (based on 12 week check 160s)
6. Is your skin clear (boy) or do you have breakouts (girl)?: Girl
7. Have you been more clumsy (boy) or graceful (girl)?: Girl
8. Consider your age at conception and the year of conception.  If both are even or both are odd (girl).  If one is even and one is odd (boy): Girl

Guesses:
Mother's Intuition Says: Boy
The husband's "Father's Intuition: says Girl
Tenley (Big Sister) Says: Girl
My Mom Says: Boy
My Dad Says: Girl

14 Weeks

14 Weeks (& 2 days)

My Baby is now the Size of a Lemon

How Far Along? 14 Weeks (& 2 days)

Total Weight Gain? 4 pounds

Maternity Clothes? Yep

Sleep? I'm doing okay. Still having weird dreams that make me feel like I didn't get any sleep.  And, the fact that school is starting and my mind is going a million miles a minute doesn't help with the sleep factor. 

Cravings? French Fries....

Miss Anything? Just having energy & feeling rested

Movement? Nope.  I'm anxiously awaiting that moment though!!!

Showing? More and more each day!

Belly Button In/Out? In

Happy or Moody? Still moody.  

Best Moment of this Week? Enjoying my last couple days of summer with my sweet girl. 

Pregnancy Symptoms? Well, I got sick this morning, but mainly it's just been the exhaustion and the headaches---every day!

Looking Forward to? Tomorrow, as long as our sweet baby cooperates, we should find out if we're having a little boy or a little girl! :)

We're Expecting

Here are just a few of our "We're Expecting" photos!  Thanks to Strawberry Hill Photography!

13 (& 1/2) Weeks

My Baby is the Size of a Peach

How Far Along? 13 Weeks (almost 14---I'm a little late blogging this week)

Total Weight Gain? 2 pounds

Maternity Clothes? YES- ALL THE WAY....I realized last week when shopping for clothes for family pictures that I had been in denial....Of course I didn't think I needed maternity clothes when I was wearing yoga pants and t-shirts around the house.  When it came time to wear real clothes, I definitely had to shop in the maternity section!

Sleep? I'm doing much better.  My restroom trips through the night have been cut done from 5-7 trips to only 1 or 2!!! Yay!  I am still having very weird and vivid dreams though, which leave me still feeling tired in the mornings.

Cravings? French Fries & Mexican Food

Missing Anything? Energy still

Movement? I could have sworn I felt something twice last week when I was lying down to go to bed.  One was like a rolling feeling.  I know it's still really early though, so who knows if it was actually baby.

Showing? Yep.  There's no questioning it now.

Belly Button In/Out? In

Wedding Rings On/Off? On

Happy of Moody? Still moody....not always a bad mood, but certainly irritable.

Best Moment of the Week? Officially went public with our pregnancy and posted some pretty cute pictures from our family/we're expecting photo shoot.

Pregnancy Symptoms? Headaches, headaches, and more headaches....everyday!  And then I'm still pretty fatigued.  Nausea comes and goes---nothing bad.

Looking Forward to? Our ultrasound appointment on Saturday, August 3rd, where, as long as our sweet little bug cooperates, we'll find out if we're having a boy or a girl.

12 Weeks & Counting

My Baby is the Size of a Plum

How Far Along? 12 Weeks

Total Weight Gain? 2 pounds

Maternity Clothes? I've been wearing my maternity pants more and more, but I can still wear my regular tops.  My regular pants still fit too, but just aren't nearly as comfortable.

Sleep? Well....I'm doing okay. Still waking up frequently to go to the restroom.  I'm also having a hard time falling asleep and going back after each restroom trip.  When I do sleep, I have the funkiest dreams!

Cravings? Nothing in particular really

Missing Anything? Having Energy. :)

Movement? Still too early to feel....but I'm anticipating that awesome feeling in the next 6-8 weeks or so, hopefully.

Showing? Depends on what I'm wearing.  If I'm wearing normal clothes or a t-shirt, nope.  If I wear my maternity bottoms and a tighter fitting top, then yes.

Belly Button In/Out? In

Wedding Rings On/Off? On

Happy or Moody? Moody.  Chris was trying to steer clear of me last night.  Haha!

Best Moment this Week? Got an offer on our house.  Hopefully we'll come to an agreement and have it sold already!

Pregnancy Symptoms? Along side nausea and fatigue, my headaches have increased in frequency.  Not fun.

Looking Forward to? I have a doctor appointment tomorrow morning and I'm hoping we'll get to hear our sweet baby's heartbeat.  We also had to reschedule our family photos/"we're expecting" photos to tomorrow as well.

11 Weeks & Counting

My Baby is the Size of a Lime

It's crazy to think that just 6-7 weeks ago our baby was just the size of a poppy seed.  

How Far Along? 11 Weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss? 2 pounds

Maternity Clothes? I can still wear my regular clothes, but I've started working on building my maternity clothes wardrobe.  I can really feel my tummy beginning to expand, among other things....I had to go buy two new bras, and let me say, there's nothing like having to ask the sales girl what size comes next!  Thank goodness we have a Dillard's locally, because they seem to be the only store around that carries my size....Sigh....

Sleep? I'm actually getting a little more sleep at night than before.  I had a time when I was getting up an average of 5-6 times a night to go to the bathroom.  We found out I had a UTI and now that we've started to treat it, I'm only getting up 2-3 times a night, which helps.  Still needing naps though.  I'm hoping by the time this first trimester ends and I get back to work that my energy will be back.

Cravings? Pretty much the same....fruit and anything salty....loving french fries right now.

Miss Anything? Sleeping through the night....

Movement? Still too early for me to feel anything. :)

Showing Yet? Nope.

Belly Button In/Out? In

Wedding Rings On/Off? On

Happy or Moody? Probably more moody...  :(

Best Moment this Week?  We finally put our house on the market Saturday, June 6th and we've already had 3 showings since then.  Hopefully we'll be able to sell this quickly and get into a bigger place before baby comes.

Pregnancy Symptoms? Fatigue and nausea.  More round ligament.  It is crazy to me how early this is happening the second time around.

Looking forward to? Taking family photos & "we're expecting" pictures tomorrow!  I'm also excited about next Friday (July 19) when we have our next doctors appointment.  I'm hoping we'll get to hear our sweet baby's heartbeat.  As long as all goes well at that appointment, we'll probably be ready to go fully public about the pregnancy....if my mother hasn't already made everyone else aware that I'm pregnant already!

10 Weeks

Well, this week was my 28th birthday, and was even more special since it also was the 10 week mark!  I have had my moments of nausea, but overall, I have really felt great this pregnancy.  I'm hoping to schedule an ultrasound at Baby Dimensions in Newnan for sometime in the next week or so, just so we can see our little cutie pie again.

OUR BABY IS THE SIZE OF A PRUNE

How Far Along? 10 Weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss?  1 pound

Maternity Clothes? Some.  I've been wearing a pair of my maternity capris since I'm down to just 1 pair of regular capris that still fit comfortably.  Other than that, I'm still in my regular clothes.

Sleep? I'm still tired more frequently than I would usually be, but I'm napping less, which I hope is a good sign that some of my energy is coming back.  With only a couple weeks left in this trimester, I'm hoping to feel more energized soon!

Cravings?  French Fries & Fruit. Salty things have sounded so good lately, and I have been devouring fruit.  I ate a whole carton of strawberries throughout 1 day last week.

Miss Anything? I still have an aversion to coffee, which makes me sad.  And, I don't know why, but I always seem to crave tuna fish when I'm pregnant too.  I think it's just because I know I'm not supposed to have it.

Movement? Obviously it's too early for me to feel anything, but I think it's super cool just knowing that our sweet baby is in there wiggling around.

Showing yet? Not really.  I can just feel it in my clothes that things are changing.

Belly Button In/Out? In; I expect it to stay this way.  Mine never flattened or poked out with Tenley

Wedding Rings On/Off? On

Happy or Moody?  Really neither....but if I had to choose, I would say that I am erring more on the side of moody.  I'm not really grumpy, but I've just kind of been "blah" for a lot of the time.

Best Moment this Week?  We finally told Tenley on Friday, June 28th that she was going to be a big sister.  She's been talking about the baby, and touching and kissing my belly ever since.  You could say she's a bit excited.

Pregnancy Symptoms? Primarily fatigue and some nausea.  I have still only thrown up twice this whole pregnancy which is a miracle in itself since I would throw up twice in the first hour of being awake each day during my pregnancy with Tenley.

Looking forward to? Scheduling an ultrasound at Baby Dimensions so we can see our sweetie pie again.

Telling Tenley

Today was the day.....the day we decided to tell Tenley that she was going to be a big sister.  I still don't know that she can fully comprehend what that means being that she's only 3, but she seemed to be pretty excited.  Now, it's going to be a long 6 1/2-7 months as she is already asking if the baby is about to come out. I put her down for a nap, and she asked me if the baby was coming out after her nap....  :)

I also have already gotten the "Who put the baby in your belly?" question too.  :)

Here's the video of us telling Tenley that there's a baby in Mommy's belly. 

First Visit

Today we had our first visit with our regular OBGYN since we "graduated from the fertility specialist.  All went well at our appointment.  I was switching OBs, so I was kind of nervous, but I LOVED him!  It's the same doctor that delivered Tenley, but other than her delivery and one OB appointment during the end of my pregnancy with her, I had never dealt with him before.  Chris and I both loved him though!

We got to see our sweet little baby again on the ultrasound machine.  This time was especially cool because our little booger was wiggling all over the place.  I am still grinning ear to ear about it!  :)

Friday, June 28, 2013

9 Weeks, 1 Day

Measuring 8 Weeks, 6 Days

Saw the heartbeat and our little baby wiggling all over the place. 

9 Weeks

Our Baby is the Size of a Green Olive

How Far Along? 9 Weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss? None

Maternity Clothes? Not yet; They have been pulled down from the attic, but are completely needed yet.  I will same things seem to be getting snugger this time around.  

Sleep? I pretty much stay tired all the time.  I try to take a nap most days when Tenley's napping, but it doesn't always happen.  I'm sure getting up 3-4 times a night to use the restroom doesn't help my exhaustion any. 

Cravings? Nothing specific

Miss Anything? Coffee.....I LOVE coffee, but I have actually had a strong aversion to it this whole time....

Movement? Not yet

Showing yet? Not really.  I'm bloated and my waistline is certainly starting to expand though.

Belly Button In/Out? In

Wedding Rings On/Off? On

Happy or Moody? Most of the time I"m happy.  I've been experiencing A LOT of anxiety though and seem to be worrying about EVERYTHING!  This happened with Tenley too, but I really don't like this unnecessary stress.  

Best Moment this Week? Saw our little baby for the 2nd time on Thursday, June 20th at our 8 week appointment & graduated from the Reproductive Specialist to our general OBGYN.  We have our first check with our OB on Friday (June 28).

Pregnancy Symptoms? Fatigue, Nausea, and Round Ligament Pain---which I actually thought it was WAY too early for the round ligament pain, but the nurse said everything happens much faster the second time around.

Looking forward to: Telling Tenley that she's going to be a big sister.  If all goes well Friday, we're going to tell her this weekend!

8 Week Ultrasound

We went in for our 8 week ultrasound on Thursday, June 20, 2013.  Our little baby had grown so much in such a short time.

2nd Ultrasound on 6/20/13

8 weeks pregnant
Measuring 7W6D

Saw the heart beating :)

All looked good today at our appointment, so our Fertility Specialist officially "graduated" us from him to our regular OBGYN.  I am going to be staying at my same regular practice, Women's Specialist of Fayette, but switching to a new doctor.  So, Friday, June 28th, we will have our first appointment with a regular OBGYN....excited to graduate to a regular doctor.  :)  I'm anxious for my appointment and hope we get to see our little one again.  I'm hoping since this is our first appointment with him, he will do an ultrasound.

Our Baby is the Size of a Raspberry 

Our First Ultrasound

On Monday, June 10, 2013 we went in for our first ultrasound & doctor's appointment.  At this time, the nurse confirmed that we were 6 1/2 weeks (6 weeks, 4 days) and our due date was January 29, 2014. We also got to see our baby for the first time.

Ultrasound #1 on 6/10/13
6 weeks 4 days pregnant

Measuring 6 wks, 3 days

Heard Heartbeat for the 1st time
Heartbeat: 127 bpm

We also found out at this appointment that we just had 1 little baby growing in there.  I was so overjoyed about hearing my baby's heartbeat and knowing that he/she was okay, that it didn't dawn on me until the next day what that meant.....It meant we had one healthy, growing baby, but it also meant that we lost a baby too.

I am thankful that I got to spend Monday being so excited about our baby, but I spent all of Tuesday mourning the loss of our other sweet baby.  We have lost a total of 5 babies throughout this process at this point.  Four of them stopped developing in the lab, and one of our transferred embryos didn't make it.  The loss of each and everyone of them hurts, but there is something even more painful about the one we transferred not making it....I guess (as wrong as this may sound), I felt closer to it since it was inside me, and a part of me.  I felt that since it didn't implant and make it, my body failed it.  As a mother, there is no worse feeling than feeling like you can't protect your baby.

It's hard to mourn the loss of one baby and celebrate another.  I wonder if I will always feel like this....When our baby's delivery date is here, will it feel different since there were supposed to be two babies????  It's just hard.  This is one of those things that I tried not to focus on as we went through this process.....once we were in it though, we had to mourn.  It hit both Chris and me pretty hard.  I want to just focus on my one healthy baby, but that makes me feel horrible....like I'm forgetting my baby, or babies, that didn't make it....

I have to remember that this is all in God's hands.  My body didn't fail to protect and grow my baby.  God is in control and gave us what we were meant to have.  So I am going to keep my mind focused on that for now and focus on my love for this rapidly growing baby inside me.  I'm going to focus on how incredibly blessed I am.

Finally Ready to Talk About It.....

 It has been over a month since I have blogged and this is primarily because I have not been ready to talk about it.  Going through this whole IVF process has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life.  Nothing could have prepared me for all the emotional ups & downs that we experienced.  When we made the decision to pursue IVF, I kept myself positive by focusing on the final outcome of having a baby.  Even though I was aware the process would be difficult, I tried not to let my thoughts linger on the difficult parts.

On Tuesday, May 14, 2013 we went in for our embryo transfer and began the dreaded "two-week wait."  We  were scheduled for a beta test on Friday, May 24th to find out if the transfer was a success or not.  Being the impatient person I was, I spent countless hours over the next week "researching" on the Internet, blog pages, and talked to friends that had done in-vitro themselves., about taking a home pregnancy test before the actual blood test.  I know the blood test is more effective and picks up lower hormone levels, but the idea of going for the blood work and then just waiting for the call was making me sick to my stomach.  So, even though everyone I talked to that had done in-vitro advised me to wait for the blood work and to NOT take a home pregnancy test, I did it anyway.  I didn't even tell Chris that I bought the test, because I knew he agreed that we should just wait for the blood work. I had to relieve some of my anxiety though, so on Thursday, May 23rd (day before my blood test), I took the test....


And....

I took another one that night.  I just had to see that beautiful word again. :)

The next day, I went in for my blood test as scheduled.  The doctor called me a few hours later.

Dr. Straub: Hey Kristyn.  It's Dr. Straub.  So, what are we thinking?
Me:  I'm thinking I cheated and took a pregnancy test yesterday.
Dr. Straub: Oh, you ruined my surprise.  Well, yes, you are pregnant.  Congratulations!

My beta numbers that day were 192.  Good strong numbers. It was too soon for me to try to guess whether we were pregnant with one baby or two though...

I went back the following Tuesday & then a week after that for repeat beta tests to be sure that my numbers were increasing as needed.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013: Beta Levels: 946 (still couldn't tell if one or two)
Tuesday, June 4, 2013: Beta Levels:  6,477 (these numbers were so close to what my numbers were at this stage with Tenley, that I became pretty sure that there was just one baby, though we couldn't know for sure.

After my blood work on Tuesday, June 4th, we scheduled our 6 1/2 week ultrasound & 1st doctor's check for Monday, June 10th.  This is when we would find out if we had 1 or 2 babies cooking.

Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh About It!

When things aren't easy, sometimes the best you can do is try to make the best of it and laugh!  Below is a picture of Chris on our Egg Retrieval Day (Thursday, May 9, 2013).....Now, keep in mind, this is also the day Chris has to do his "job" as well!  :)

"Go Hard....Or Go Home."

It's actually a workout shirt, but we found it quite fitting for the day! 

A Prayer for Safety and Rest

Dear God,

     My head and my heart are filled with so much anxiety right now.  I'm analyzing every twinge I feel....is something wrong? Was that a sign of implantation? Was it nothing?  I need you... 

     My first prayer is that these two precious babies are burrowing deep and nestling comfortably inside me.  I pray that they are growing stronger each moment and developing right on track.  Please let them be safe and well.  I am so in love with them.  Please God, protect them...

     My second prayer is that you will calm my heart.... Please give me inner peace and a calm spirit.  I pray that you rid me of this worry and my anxious heart.  May my soul find rest in You, and in knowing that Your will shall be done, and that Your will is perfect. 

     And God, I end this prayer with a message of thanks...Thank you for loving me more deeply than I can understand or deserve.  Thank you for hearing my prayers and healing my heart.  I am so grateful that I may find rest in You.

Amen.

Status Update

Here's just the basics of where we are in the process......

On Thursday, May 9, 2013- We had our Egg Retrieval.  They retrieved 19 eggs.  14 of the eggs were mature, and 2 more matured in the lab, giving us a total of 16 mature eggs.  They froze 7 eggs & fertilized 9.

Friday, May 10, 2013- Found out that we had 100% fertilization of all 9 eggs.

Sunday, May 12, 2013- (Mother's Day) They cancelled our Day 3 transfer.  The embryos were developing well, so we pushed the transfer to Day 5.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013- 9:30 showed up for our 10:00 appointment for our Day 5 transfer; They transferred 2 PERFECT blastocysts (even though they tried their hardest to convince me to just do one).  They also froze 2 blastocysts (this is just what the embryos are called at this stage) today.  The other 5 embryos were a little behind in development, so they were going to continue to watch them to see if they got to the blastocyst stage.  Any that would get to this stage would be frozen.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013- We got the final call from our doctor's office about our remaining embryos.  One more embryo made it to the blastocyst stage and was frozen.  The other four embryos stopped developing and were not viable.  :(

Thursday, May 16, 2013- took my final day off of work to rest/relax and hopefully grow these babies. 

So, this leaves us with:
-2 embryos transferred & currently in utero :)
-3 embryos frozen (at the blastocyst stage)

We will go next Friday, May 24th in the morning for a blood Beta test to find out if the pregnancy(ies) was successful. 

All continued prayers are greatly appreciated. :)

Everybody's Preggo!!

I swear, my facebook is blown up right now with people that have either just had their babies, people getting close to having their babies, and people announcing that they're pregnant!  I'm so thankful that my mind is in a positive place right now.....I'm able to feel genuine excitement for each and every announcement that shows up in my news feed.  I too easily remember the time where each new announcement or pregnancy/baby picture would send me into tears....For those out there that may be in that place right now, my heart and prayers go out to you.  I definitely know how painful that is....

With all these pictures and announcements, I can't hope that I will soon be one of the people showing up on other people's news feed with an announcement of pregnancy.  And at the same time, I can't help but allow those crazy thoughts of worry to come in.....what if we get a negative test result next week???  For my own sake, and the sake of my two, hopefully growing babies, I'm not going to allow myself to meditate on those thoughts.....

Right now, I hope that my two sweet babies have already burrowed into a comfy place in my uterus and set up camp.  I hope they have successfully implanted and are continuing to grow.  I can't help but put my hand on my belly at times because I know they're in there. I hope they are thriving in there....I am already so in love.....

I have one more week (+ 1 more day) until we find out if the pregnancy is successful....and I think it will take a couple more weeks after that before we find out if both of the babies made it or just one....

My prayer right now is that God would wrap his loving around my body and around my babies, and help them to grow and continue to receive the nourishment that they need.....

A Letter to My Babies...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

My Dear Sweet Babies,

     Your daddy and I, along with many other people we love have been praying for you all for quite a while now.  Having you enter our lives is going to be one of the greatest blessings.  You will have two parents that love you very much, and a big sister that has been begging Mommy and Daddy to give her a baby brother and/or sister.  You will both be so loved. 

Today, sweet babies, we met for the very first time.  For 5 days prior to this, you both have been steadily growing and developing, and today was the day....the day you both became a part of me.  Today, your daddy and I went in for our transfer, where you were relocated from a sterile lab and into my welcoming womb.  While the doctors say that you are each just the size of a dust particle right now, I can almost feel you both in me....because I know you're both there, and I love you...both of you more than you will ever realize.  We are continuing to pray now that God will keep you both safe and healthy as you continue to grow and develop.

We love you both so much and look forward to meeting you both in the next 8 months.

All the love in my heart,

Mommy

Why Does Good News Always Come with a Side of Anxiety????

Why is it, at least for me, that a huge blessing always comes with a side of anxiety??  I have a difficult time stopping and just appreciating things being good because I am easily distracted by worry. 

Yesterday I got the call from the doctor's office with our fertilization report post egg retrieval.  We had spoken with the doctor a couple days prior to retrieval and decided to fertilize 6-8 eggs.  Now, while in my head I thought this meant we would "attempt" to fertilize 6-8 eggs (with the hopes that maybe 5-6 would actually fertilize), the doctor took its as we wanted to end up with 6-8 fertilized eggs/embryos.  Therefore, the lab attempted to fertilize 9 eggs.  Well, we turned out to be one of those rare cases where we had 100% fertilization of all 9 eggs....therefore, as of yesterday, we had 9 embryos.....9 little babies. Simultaneously, my heart was saying "awww" and "yay" and my head was saying "holy crap!"  I'm dying to have more babies, but I can't have 9 more!  This is where I hate that such wonderful news became tainted....

The mixture of emotions I felt are almost too much to try to explain....and to be honest, some of them I am fearful to share out of fear of being judged....

However, my purpose for blogging was two-fold: 1. It is serving as a form of therapy to me as I am traveling down this incredibly emotional path; 2. I am doing this in effort to be transparent with my feelings and open about the process in hopes that my struggles can serve as comfort for others having to go on this journey as well....

With that said, I'll do my best to explain.  I have always wanted a big family.....but big in terms of like 4 kids....not 10.  I am absolutely elated that everything has gone almost picture perfectly---medically/scientifically speaking throughout this whole process.  They were able to retrieve 19 eggs....a great number, and 16 of them were mature! That's awesome.  Then, we were able to freeze 7 of our eggs and had 100% fertilization on the remaining 9 of them.  Again, it couldn't have been more successful than that.  The nurse said it was great and with our fertilization being so successful, we would probably make it to the Day 5 transfer rather than the Day 3, which is also what we were hoping for (some clinics have shown a 10% increase in success rate with Day 5 transfers in comparison to Day 3).  Yay for all of this.....except for the fact that I don't want to have 9 more babies.....

I know that the odds are low for all 9 embryos surviving all the way to Day 5....but how horrible is it that my hopes in not having 9 more children are resting in the fact that not all my babies will make it.  It makes me feel like an awful person.  I don't want any of my babies (and yes, I consider everyone of those 9 embryos to be a living, growing baby of mine) to not survive this process, and at the very same time, I do not want to have 9 more children.  This is just a horrible spot to be sitting in.  And I'm sure that many out there still on their fertility journey are probably judging me for these thoughts.....but they're real thoughts and feelings that I'm struggling with right now....

Other than that, I don't know what to say on the situation.....I'm just kind of stuck in a limbo of emotions between excitement for the success thus far, and the fear of what may come....


As for where we are in the process now:

Thursday, May 9, 2013- Egg Retrieval at 8:30; had to arrive at 7:00 (I'll have to post a picture of the shirt that Chris wore to this appointment since this was when he had to do his "job/part" as well.

Friday, May 10, 2013- got the fertilization report:
         They retrieved 19 eggs, 16 of which were mature
         They froze 7 of the eggs & fertilized 9
         We had 100% fertilization rate & all 9 eggs fertilized and were now embryos (which is rare)
Based on the fertilization report, the nurse said that we would most likely have a Day 5 transfer since fertilization went so well.  She said that a nurse would call on Saturday to tentatively schedule a Day 3 transfer just in case.

Saturday, May 11, 2013- we got the call from the nurse at 8:30 this morning scheduling our tentative transfer for tomorrow (day 3).  She said there was a note in the file that we would most likely be doing a Day 5 transfer, which usually meant that would happen, but that they had to schedule a Day 3 transfer just in case.  We are tentatively scheduled for a Day 3 Transfer tomorrow at 10:00 and need to arrive by 9:45.  They will call between 8:00-8:30 tomorrow morning with an update and to let us know if the transfer is a go, or if we will be waiting until Tuesday.

So I guess we'll see what they say in the morning.  Right now, I'm going to anxiously await the call tomorrow and thank God for this blessing....Regardless how the anxiety that is coming with it, this is a blessing.

Far Too Long....

Art speaks to me.......Creating art, painting...it's theraputic to me.  While I have a level of appreciation for all art, some of it speaks to me more than others....It's usually those pieces where I feel like they tell a story similar to mine.   One of the artists that I admire and respect so much right now, is one that I feel blessed to also call a friend....Kim Ramey.  Her art is not only phenomenal, but it speaks to me.....My husband was wonderful enough to buy one of her pieces for me several months back when we were about 6 months in to this second round of our fertility journey. 

Today, when Chris went to leave to pick Tenley up, he found a wrapped package on our doorstep that held another piece that I had really wanted.

In case you can't make out the words at the bottom, they read "Was your journey far too long?"

On the back, she wrote us a sweet note and a perfect quote:
     "Every journey makes its own map across your heart." - Sharon Shinn

I hope she doesn't get upset with me posting this....but it just meant so much.  Words do not express my gratitude.....

Green Light Means....Anxiety!

Well, today was the day of our egg retrieval.  Since we started this process, this was one of the big milestones that I had been anxiously awaiting.  It meant that it would finally be time to make some babies! I was ready for it to come and a little disappointed when I was told at my appointment on Monday that we would be doing medications one more day before getting ready for the retrieval.  I was initially excited on Tuesday when they gave the green light that it was time for the trigger injection that night and egg retrieval today (Thursday).  Then, the realities of some of this procedure began to set in....this is an out-patient surgery....I'm going to have a needle pushed through my vaginal wall......I'm going to have my legs up in the air and spread....completely exposed.  I spent most of Tuesday evening, and a good bit of Wednesday dealing with some severe anxiety....I was having to work myself out of having a panic-attack.  I reached out to our church group and a few friends for prayers.

Today went SO much better than I could have anticipated.  Every nurse I encountered, the anesthesiologist, the on-call doctor, EVERYONE, was wonderful!!!  And, as I hoped, I was deeply sedated before my legs went into the stirrups (these stirrups by the way, are MUCH WORSE than the typical stirrups at your OB/GYN office).  My recovery has been pretty good too.  I had some slight pain right after I woke up from the procedure, but they gave me some meds in my iv that eased it immediately.  Overall, I have just been really tired, a little uncomfortable and sore today...Nothing too bad.  I think the worse thing has been the on and off nausea that I have had and having to be so dependent on Chris.  I wasn't even allowed to even get up and go to the bathroom on my own earlier today...I can't pick Tenley up, etc.  

When I left today, they told me that they were able to collect 19 eggs during the retrieval.  We'll know tomorrow morning/early afternoon how many of them were mature, what the quality of them was, and how the fertilization period went.  We chose to only fertilize 6-8 eggs, so I'm anxious to see how many they actually attempted to fertilize, how many of those successfully fertilized, and what the progress of them is so far.....Waiting round two has begun!

We will either be going in on Sunday or Tuesday for our transfer depending on if we end up with a Day 3 or Day 5 transfer.  While I hope that we make it to a Day 5 transfer on Tuesday (many believe that the embryos, or blastocytes, at this stage have a better implantation rate), there would be something cool about having our Day 3 transfer on Sunday----Mother's Day.  Our sweet babies are in God's hands now.....We'll see what happens.  We still welcome all prayers right now. :)

Another Good Report

We had our Cycle Day 8 Appointment this morning.  We had another ultrasound and they did blood work to check my estrogen levels again.  We were fortunate to receive another great report today.  Apparently my body is doing exactly what it needs to be doing. 

Last time we went (Thursday, 5/2/13) my estrogen levels were 172.  The nurse said we would be using that as a baseline, with a goal of them increasing each time we went to show that the medication is working.  Today, my estrogen levels were 626.  They're definitely going up. :)  Yay!
On Thursday, I had a total of 4 developing follicles.  Today, I was up to 13 good developing follicles.  Another great step.  My doctor is keeping all my medication doses the same for now, and I am going in again tomorrow morning for another check up. 

I'm so thankful that everything is working so well.  It makes my worrying nature come out some.  I worry that things are going too well that some hiccup is bound to come along.  At the same time, we're having to go through IVF, so things aren't going as smoothly as possible.  I am extremely grateful that things are going so well for the process that we're having to undergo. 

It's extremely crazy to me to think about the fact that in the next week or so, I will be pregnant with two precious babies.  That two week wait to find out if the pregnancy(ies) are successful will definitely tough though. 

For right now, I'm going to focus on the positives.....things are good, and WE ARE BLESSED! This wasn't the road I thought we'd be traveling, but God is providing many blessing through our travels and teaching me how to have true joy.  :)

Oh, How He Loves to Me....

The day after the big prayer discussion that Chris and I had, I came across a quote on pinterest that was fitting.  God never ceases to amaze me at how I come across things in perfect timings....I think they can be some of the ways He speaks to me.

Right now, our prayers are awkward to say the least.....we are constantly at odds as to whether we pray for what we desire, pray for God's will, pray for both???  In this process, God has certainly taught me about prayer....I have transitioned more to just chatting with God....speaking the truths of my heart...not necessarily "asking" for anything.  It is true that the power of prayer is not in me and my prayers....it's "in the One who hears it."  Thank goodness for that!

Anyway, the point of this post was more to provide an update on our progress this cycle, but I did feel the need to share that.  God is working in me in SO many ways. 

So, update time:

Last time we left, I had just gone for my Day 2 ultrasound & estrogen check, and despite having a larger than they would like cyst, I was given the go ahead to begin my injections.  Since then:

Sunday, April 28, 2013: CD2- Ultrasound & Estrogen check; (estrogen level came back at 22 so we were able to start the process) started Follistim 150 IU at 9 PM
Monday, April 29, 2013: CD3- Follistim 150 IU at 9 PM
Tuesday, April 30, 2013: CD4- Follistim 150 IU at 9 PM
Wednesday, May 1, 2013: CD5- Follistim 150 IU at 9 PM
Thursday, May 2, 2013: CD6- Went in for my for progress check ultrasound and estrogen level.  Estrogen level came back at 172 (I think?) and I had four developing follicles: 3 on the right & 1 on the left (can't remember the exact measurements...I believe they were all between 1.1-1.8 in size right now).

The nurse said that I am exactly where they want me to be right now.  It's early, so I shouldn't have too many follicles yet, because they don't want me to hyper-stimulate.  Tomorrow morning, I add in my ganirelix injection in the morning, and I get to go back Saturday to check our progress again! Yay!  Hopefully, things will continue to successfully progress.

Just feeling blessed right now....

Waiting....Waiting.....Waiting.....

Sometimes, I can't help but notice that life is a constant waiting game.....When we're kids, we are waiting until we grow up.  Then, until we go to college, then get a job, then get married, then find a house, then have kids, then find a better house, then find a better job, and so on and so on.  No matter what, it seems like we're always in the waiting process for whatever is next.  I've tried so hard to live life rather than just waiting on whatever is supposed to be next. 
This morning though, we are waiting.  For over a week, I have felt frustrated as I have impatiently waited for my cycle to start so we could finally get going with IVF.  Well, it finally did.  We went in for our first check this morning where we did an ultrasound and blood work to make sure all was clear before starting the injections.  They actually found a cyst on my left ovary.  So, now we're waiting again.  We are waiting for my blood work results to come back to determine if this is a cyst we can still proceed with, or if this is something that is going to cause us to have to WAIT even more and skip this cycle. 

I couldn't help but feel frustrated this morning.  I had mixed emotions to say the least. I was disappointed, frustrated, trying to stay positive, etc.  Why was this happening???  Is this not the time for us? Is this not what we're even supposed to do? Was God still trying to work on my patience & joy? Or, (for the sake of being transparent in my feelings) was He just enjoying messing with me?  Awful thought, I know....but it was there. 

I cried some and thought a lot.... I spent a lot of my time trying to pray and then talking through some of my feelings aloud with Chris.  I wanted so desperately to just pray about this....I wanted this situation just covered in prayer.  I asked my mom to pray and even text messaged our Village (our small group from church) asking for prayers, but when it came down to it, I didn't know how to pray about this situation myself.  What do I say?  I know the Bible tells us that God wants us to pray for the desires of our heart.....I deeply desire to be able to start this IVF process....I deeply desire to have a baby....  I also know that God's will is perfect and I can't help but wonder that if my heart was truly where it needed to be, would God's will be the deepest desire of my heart....so I sat frozen for a while....what do I pray?  So, that's kind of how I had to leave it with God.....I laid out what my heart desired, but also that I know His will is perfect.  I didn't necessarily pray one way or the other because I couldn't.....  I just chose to be transparent to God (since I am anyway).  God knows our hearts and thoughts....we might as well be real with those feelings when we pray too......

Through this process, I went from the feelings of disappointment, frustration, confusion, etc. to feeling a sense of calm.  However this all turned out, I know that God was in control of it all.  That doesn't negate the fact that if it doesn't turn out like I want that I won't feel pain, because I WILL..  But, I know that in the end, God's plan is best, and at some point down the road....and for all I know, it may be a L-O-N-G way down the road, I'll be able to see bits and pieces of God's plan and know that it hurt, but it was all worth it.....

****By the way- we did end up getting a call when I was in the process of editing this post that our doctor is giving us the green light to go ahead and start our injections tonight.  Yay! While I admit it is easier to say this in these moments, than during times when things are tough, God is so good... It's hard, but I constantly try to praise God through the storms of life.  I'm especially grateful that he calmed the seas a bit for us this morning. 

Praise You in this Storm http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno

God Steps in When I Begin to Waiver

     Today, my joy began to waiver somewhat, and my frustration and anger began to set in.....not in the typical "why me?" way, but just frustration with some people.  Let me begin by saying that this is THE most stressful time of the year EVERY year for me.  My students are going to be taking the CRCT (our big state standardized test) next week,  and we are going nonstop right now trying to get in as much review as we can.  So, as usual for this time of year, my day consisted of that.  On top of that, I received awful news about a friend, and had a rough afternoon that produced some of the ugly sad/angry feelings for a bit.  I'll leave the details of this tough afternoon at that......and just add, watch what you say.  What you take forgranted, others are dying to have.....

Dealing with the situtation that I did this afternoon...after the pain and anger subsided, I started thinking about how well I have been handling this fertility stuff right now considering what my past responses have been....I have been trusting God.....trying to be joyful.....of course, it was time for Satan to pounce.  That's how he works.....

I was able to fight some of these feelings (pain, anger) off pretty quickly. The thoughtfulness of a friend helped bring me completely back to the picture of joy and the fact that God's got this!  On Wednesdays, my husband and I host youth group for our church at our house.  Our pastor's wife was dropping her daughter off for group and brought me a beautiful vase of tulips (the one's pictured above and below). It was so thoughtful, and I knew that God was using her...I needed a small reminder today of God's love and the love of others.  Outside of the perfect timing for this random act of kindness, the flowers were purple..........now, most of you are probably thinking "And???????"  Purple is so special because purple is the color of infertility.  It made it even more clear that God's hand was in this.

What I found to be even more incredible in all this, is that these flowers were handpicked from a community garden....The initial plan for these flowers was to plant them, sell them at a Spring Market (which takes place in May), and use the profits to continue to sustain the garden.  Due to the crazy weather we've had this year, the tulips came in early and won't make it to market....therefore, random gifts of flowers....

I don't find this to be coincidental....God knew what He was doing in his perfect timing for bringing these flowers to bloom.....(oh, I can totally see symbolism in this with the timing of pregnancy too, but that's another blog post).  I needed these flowers today, and I am sure that I am not the only one that received these random gifts that needed them too.....

They were purple.........they were meant for me........God's timing is perfect.  He keeps us steady when the storm begins to rage. I'm so grateful God helped me to realign my focus on joy & on Him so quickly.....

Trying to Find Joy in the Process of Mourning

(written on Sunday, April 7, 2013; typed and posted on Tuesday, April 9, 2013)

Mourn: to feel or express sorrow or grief; to grieve or lament for the dead

     Mourning.....typically when we hear this word we automatically associate it with death.  For me, I even picture a traditional wake where everyone's wearing black, the women even have black veils over their faces, and the masses of people are crying & wailing out in their pain and sorrow over the loss of a loved one.

     Today, I am mourning.  Not in the traditional wearing black and sobbing uncontrollably sort of way, but I'm mourning nontheless.  Mourning is expressing sorrow over death.  The death doesn't always have to be of a person though.  We can mourn the loss or death of anything.....of a pet, a friendship, a marriage, or as it is in my case, the death of a dream.

     As we grow up, whether we realize it or not, we all have a vision in our minds of what our life is going to be....when we'll get married, the type of person we'll marry, where we'll live, our jobs, babies, vacations, and so on.

     My life is AMAZING....it's certainly not everything that I would have envisioned it to be, but it's amazing nontheless.  Some areas are SO MUCH better than I imagined, and others haven't been quite up to parr.  My husband....I never imagined I'd fall in love with a man that was 13 years older than me.  That definitely was not a part of my plan.  I also never thought that I would have a husband that understands me, cares for me and loves me the way that he does either.  I'm thankful that my marriage is not what I envisioned.....it's so much better.

     Financially, I never thought we would have struggled the way we did at the start of our marriage.  It was extremely hard, but it  challenged us.  And now that we're only a couple months away from having ZERO credit card debt, I see all that we learned and how it made us stronger.  I'm thankful it wasn't easy, and wasn't what I envisioned.

     Today, however, I am mournring the loss of what I envisioned for conceiving and creating my family.  No girl grows up thinking "Awww.....I can't wait until I grow up and get married.  My husband and I will love each other so much, that one day we'll make a baby in a petri dish, in a cold labratory with skilled doctors that we don't even know." I always thought Chris and I would build our family in the intimacy of our own bed...that our baby would be a product of our love (however corny that may sound).  So today, I'm mourning the death of that dream.

     Let me go ahead and say that I know that people who aren't even able to conceive at all are probably sick with how I feel considering that I already have one child and that IVF is even a possibility for us.....I get that I am beyond blessed in these ways and I am so incredibly grateful.  I am still human, and while my loss is different, it's still a loss for me, and I still hurt.

     So today, as I mourn this loss, I search for joy in it.  There will be tears....I'll cry out in pain, but I will find joy in the fact that this loss can be a gain in God's greater good.  I can already feel God changing me and see the many ways He will use this experience for His good!

     

*****Side note: For those of you in a different stage of your journey, please know that seeking joy in these pains was not always something I could do.  I went through times where all I felt was pain and sadness.....I didn't want to get out of bed, and at times felt numb to the world.  I also went through periods of anger----anger with God for putting me through this; anger with anyone who had children or who was pregnant; anger with those who didn't understand what I was going through; anger with people in my life that just tried to love me throughout the process; and even anger at myself for feeling so angry....

This has been a roller coaster ride to say the least.  I'm just trying to use these periods of hope & joy to the most of my ability right now.  But again, know that this is not always where I've been.....

Beyond Blessed

Well, today was a wonderful day.  For almost a solid week now, I have felt like I was almost drowning in anxiety.  The IVF information overload was consuming my thoughts day and night (to the point where it was all I dreamed about...when I could actually sleep).  There are so many details and SO much information.....so many questions.  And, being the planner that I am, much of my stress was just coming from the whole "not knowing" what our protocol was going to be for our IVF cycle.  I have constantly been worrying about what different medications I would take, the dosages of each medicine, how much would they all cost, would this work, and so on. 

Today was the day I had been waiting for....the day we were meeting with our nurse to actually go over our protocol, and the day we would get most of our questions answered.  Everything we heard today was great.  The only thing that could have made today better would have been if the nurse told us we were already pregnant and didn't have to do any of this....but where would the fun in that be?! :)

Not only did we get our questions answered, and I got the reassurance that I needed that I am a very good candidate for this process with very good odds of success (even though nothing is certain or can be guaranteed), and found out that our medications were going to be WAY less than we had anticipated. 

On top of all the good news we received at the doctor's office, we also received another blessing from a sweet friend.  This is what made my heart absolutely swell.  One of the wonderful women that I work with underwent IVF herself on multiple occasions and started trying for a baby before we even got pregnant with Tenley.  After several IVF attempts, and almost giving up, they finally were successful and are expecting not one, but two sweet babies in a couple months.  YAY!
When I first found out we were going to have to undergo IVF, she was the one I went to.  While I initially only got a few minutes with her in passing to chit-chat about the whole IVF process, she eased my anxiety....This sweet friend called me tonight to check on me and see how things were going, and on top of all of that, told me that she had a $900 bottle of medication (unopened) that she wanted to just give us.  Since it was one of the medications we needed, I offered to pay her and she absolutely refused.  She said that others had helped them some along the way, and they had hoped that they would be able to use that bottle of medication to help someone else. What an amazing blessing......

I also believe that God is using this to teach me something else as well.  I have always been someone that would much rather bless somebody else than have someone bless me.  It actually makes me physically uncomfortable when someone does something selfless for me... I'm not used to it....Giving is WAY easier than receiving.  Something that I'm trying to learn though, (and it is NOT easy) is that you can bless somebody else by allowing them to bless you....Of all the lessons God has tried to teach me over the years, and it feels like there has been A LOT, this is definitely a tough one. I'm thankful for this learning experience, and for my sweet friend & her husband.    I hope that one day, in whatever form it may be, that I may serve as a blessing to someone else that's hurting and going through this as well...

I am beyond blessed.....

Feeling the Love

This is going to be short and sweet....I am SO thankful for the people that God has placed in our life, in general, and especially over the last year.  There was a period of time (a couple years) that I didn't think we'd ever find a church home again.  It seemed as if what we were looking for, the type of church we felt God calling us to, just didn't exist.....I am so grateful, that through a very dear friend, we found that church family. 

I am especially thankful for the small group that we get to meet with every Monday night.  I love these people, and I know they love us.  Tonight, we felt the love of our group as they put their hands on us and prayed over us.  As we are preparing for our "teaching" appointment on Wednesday where we'll find out what our IVF protocol is and actually get the ball rolling, this love and prayer was needed and greatly appreciated. 

So to my group, I say thank you. I know God has put you in our life for a reason. You are being used by Him in more ways that you know.  Nothing about this current journey is easy,  but I still consider us blessed.

And I Took the Road Less Traveled.....But Not by Choice

In high school, one of my favorite poems was "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I loved the whole concept and almost romanticized the idea of being the bold one that was willing to take the less explored path....to not just do what was easy, but to choose what would be the most life altering... 

I have learned though, that sometimes taking the road less traveled is not a choice.  Sometimes, you look at the one less traveled by, admire the brave that have chosen it, and start walking toward the nice, clean cut, worn out path.  And just as your're about to start on your way, God picks you up and tosses you into the brush of the overgrown, barely traveled path. 

For me, I didn't have a choice.  The road less traveled by is the one that God decided I needed to take.  It has not been an easy trail to walk down thus far, but I have no doubt that I'm traveling in the direction that God is leading.

I genuinely believe that God has destined me for beautiful things, and for these beautiful things to come about, that means that I sometimes must suffer, and I sometimes must walk the path that brings great struggle and pain.  So, even though it was with a great deal of kicking and screaming along the way, I am taking the road less traveled by.