Sunday, May 19, 2013

A Prayer for Safety and Rest

Dear God,

     My head and my heart are filled with so much anxiety right now.  I'm analyzing every twinge I feel....is something wrong? Was that a sign of implantation? Was it nothing?  I need you... 

     My first prayer is that these two precious babies are burrowing deep and nestling comfortably inside me.  I pray that they are growing stronger each moment and developing right on track.  Please let them be safe and well.  I am so in love with them.  Please God, protect them...

     My second prayer is that you will calm my heart.... Please give me inner peace and a calm spirit.  I pray that you rid me of this worry and my anxious heart.  May my soul find rest in You, and in knowing that Your will shall be done, and that Your will is perfect. 

     And God, I end this prayer with a message of thanks...Thank you for loving me more deeply than I can understand or deserve.  Thank you for hearing my prayers and healing my heart.  I am so grateful that I may find rest in You.

Amen.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Status Update

Here's just the basics of where we are in the process......

On Thursday, May 9, 2013- We had our Egg Retrieval.  They retrieved 19 eggs.  14 of the eggs were mature, and 2 more matured in the lab, giving us a total of 16 mature eggs.  They froze 7 eggs & fertilized 9.

Friday, May 10, 2013- Found out that we had 100% fertilization of all 9 eggs.

Sunday, May 12, 2013- (Mother's Day) They cancelled our Day 3 transfer.  The embryos were developing well, so we pushed the transfer to Day 5.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013- 9:30 showed up for our 10:00 appointment for our Day 5 transfer; They transferred 2 PERFECT blastocysts (even though they tried their hardest to convince me to just do one).  They also froze 2 blastocysts (this is just what the embryos are called at this stage) today.  The other 5 embryos were a little behind in development, so they were going to continue to watch them to see if they got to the blastocyst stage.  Any that would get to this stage would be frozen.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013- We got the final call from our doctor's office about our remaining embryos.  One more embryo made it to the blastocyst stage and was frozen.  The other four embryos stopped developing and were not viable.  :(

Thursday, May 16, 2013- took my final day off of work to rest/relax and hopefully grow these babies. 

So, this leaves us with:
-2 embryos transferred & currently in utero :)
-3 embryos frozen (at the blastocyst stage)

We will go next Friday, May 24th in the morning for a blood Beta test to find out if the pregnancy(ies) was successful. 

All continued prayers are greatly appreciated. :)

Everybody's Preggo!!

I swear, my facebook is blown up right now with people that have either just had their babies, people getting close to having their babies, and people announcing that they're pregnant!  I'm so thankful that my mind is in a positive place right now.....I'm able to feel genuine excitement for each and every announcement that shows up in my news feed.  I too easily remember the time where each new announcement or pregnancy/baby picture would send me into tears....For those out there that may be in that place right now, my heart and prayers go out to you.  I definitely know how painful that is....

With all these pictures and announcements, I can't hope that I will soon be one of the people showing up on other people's news feed with an announcement of pregnancy.  And at the same time, I can't help but allow those crazy thoughts of worry to come in.....what if we get a negative test result next week???  For my own sake, and the sake of my two, hopefully growing babies, I'm not going to allow myself to meditate on those thoughts.....

Right now, I hope that my two sweet babies have already burrowed into a comfy place in my uterus and set up camp.  I hope they have successfully implanted and are continuing to grow.  I can't help but put my hand on my belly at times because I know they're in there. I hope they are thriving in there....I am already so in love.....

I have one more week (+ 1 more day) until we find out if the pregnancy is successful....and I think it will take a couple more weeks after that before we find out if both of the babies made it or just one....

My prayer right now is that God would wrap his loving around my body and around my babies, and help them to grow and continue to receive the nourishment that they need.....

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

A Letter to My Babies...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013
My Dear Sweet Babies,

     Your daddy and I, along with many other people we love have been praying for you all for quite a while now.  Having you enter our lives is going to be one of the greatest blessings.  You will have two parents that love you very much, and a big sister that has been begging Mommy and Daddy to give her a baby brother and/or sister.  You will both be so loved. 

Today, sweet babies, we met for the very first time.  For 5 days prior to this, you both have been steadily growing and developing, and today was the day....the day you both became a part of me.  Today, your daddy and I went in for our transfer, where you were relocated from a sterile lab and into my welcoming womb.  While the doctors say that you are each just the size of a dust particle right now, I can almost feel you both in me....because I know you're both there, and I love you...both of you more than you will ever realize.  We are continuing to pray now that God will keep you both safe and healthy as you continue to grow and develop.

We love you both so much and look forward to meeting you both in the next 8 months.

All the love in my heart,

Mommy

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Why Does Good News Always Come with a Side of Anxiety????

Why is it, at least for me, that a huge blessing always comes with a side of anxiety??  I have a difficult time stopping and just appreciating things being good because I am easily distracted by worry. 

Yesterday I got the call from the doctor's office with our fertilization report post egg retrieval.  We had spoken with the doctor a couple days prior to retrieval and decided to fertilize 6-8 eggs.  Now, while in my head I thought this meant we would "attempt" to fertilize 6-8 eggs (with the hopes that maybe 5-6 would actually fertilize), the doctor took its as we wanted to end up with 6-8 fertilized eggs/embryos.  Therefore, the lab attempted to fertilize 9 eggs.  Well, we turned out to be one of those rare cases where we had 100% fertilization of all 9 eggs....therefore, as of yesterday, we had 9 embryos.....9 little babies. Simultaneously, my heart was saying "awww" and "yay" and my head was saying "holy crap!"  I'm dying to have more babies, but I can't have 9 more!  This is where I hate that such wonderful news became tainted....

The mixture of emotions I felt are almost too much to try to explain....and to be honest, some of them I am fearful to share out of fear of being judged....

However, my purpose for blogging was two-fold: 1. It is serving as a form of therapy to me as I am traveling down this incredibly emotional path; 2. I am doing this in effort to be transparent with my feelings and open about the process in hopes that my struggles can serve as comfort for others having to go on this journey as well....

With that said, I'll do my best to explain.  I have always wanted a big family.....but big in terms of like 4 kids....not 10.  I am absolutely elated that everything has gone almost picture perfectly---medically/scientifically speaking throughout this whole process.  They were able to retrieve 19 eggs....a great number, and 16 of them were mature! That's awesome.  Then, we were able to freeze 7 of our eggs and had 100% fertilization on the remaining 9 of them.  Again, it couldn't have been more successful than that.  The nurse said it was great and with our fertilization being so successful, we would probably make it to the Day 5 transfer rather than the Day 3, which is also what we were hoping for (some clinics have shown a 10% increase in success rate with Day 5 transfers in comparison to Day 3).  Yay for all of this.....except for the fact that I don't want to have 9 more babies.....

I know that the odds are low for all 9 embryos surviving all the way to Day 5....but how horrible is it that my hopes in not having 9 more children are resting in the fact that not all my babies will make it.  It makes me feel like an awful person.  I don't want any of my babies (and yes, I consider everyone of those 9 embryos to be a living, growing baby of mine) to not survive this process, and at the very same time, I do not want to have 9 more children.  This is just a horrible spot to be sitting in.  And I'm sure that many out there still on their fertility journey are probably judging me for these thoughts.....but they're real thoughts and feelings that I'm struggling with right now....

Other than that, I don't know what to say on the situation.....I'm just kind of stuck in a limbo of emotions between excitement for the success thus far, and the fear of what may come....


As for where we are in the process now:

Thursday, May 9, 2013- Egg Retrieval at 8:30; had to arrive at 7:00 (I'll have to post a picture of the shirt that Chris wore to this appointment since this was when he had to do his "job/part" as well.

Friday, May 10, 2013- got the fertilization report:
         They retrieved 19 eggs, 16 of which were mature
         They froze 7 of the eggs & fertilized 9
         We had 100% fertilization rate & all 9 eggs fertilized and were now embryos (which is rare)
Based on the fertilization report, the nurse said that we would most likely have a Day 5 transfer since fertilization went so well.  She said that a nurse would call on Saturday to tentatively schedule a Day 3 transfer just in case.

Saturday, May 11, 2013- we got the call from the nurse at 8:30 this morning scheduling our tentative transfer for tomorrow (day 3).  She said there was a note in the file that we would most likely be doing a Day 5 transfer, which usually meant that would happen, but that they had to schedule a Day 3 transfer just in case.  We are tentatively scheduled for a Day 3 Transfer tomorrow at 10:00 and need to arrive by 9:45.  They will call between 8:00-8:30 tomorrow morning with an update and to let us know if the transfer is a go, or if we will be waiting until Tuesday.

So I guess we'll see what they say in the morning.  Right now, I'm going to anxiously await the call tomorrow and thank God for this blessing....Regardless how the anxiety that is coming with it, this is a blessing.



Thursday, May 9, 2013

Far Too Long....

Art speaks to me.......Creating art, painting...it's theraputic to me.  While I have a level of appreciation for all art, some of it speaks to me more than others....It's usually those pieces where I feel like they tell a story similar to mine.   One of the artists that I admire and respect so much right now, is one that I feel blessed to also call a friend....Kim Ramey.  Her art is not only phenomenal, but it speaks to me.....My husband was wonderful enough to buy one of her pieces for me several months back when we were about 6 months in to this second round of our fertility journey. 



Today, when Chris went to leave to pick Tenley up, he found a wrapped package on our doorstep that held another piece that I had really wanted.


In case you can't make out the words at the bottom, they read "Was your journey far too long?"

On the back, she wrote us a sweet note and a perfect quote:
     "Every journey makes its own map across your heart." - Sharon Shinn

I hope she doesn't get upset with me posting this....but it just meant so much.  Words do not express my gratitude.....

Green Light Means....Anxiety!

Well, today was the day of our egg retrieval.  Since we started this process, this was one of the big milestones that I had been anxiously awaiting.  It meant that it would finally be time to make some babies! I was ready for it to come and a little disappointed when I was told at my appointment on Monday that we would be doing medications one more day before getting ready for the retrieval.  I was initially excited on Tuesday when they gave the green light that it was time for the trigger injection that night and egg retrieval today (Thursday).  Then, the realities of some of this procedure began to set in....this is an out-patient surgery....I'm going to have a needle pushed through my vaginal wall......I'm going to have my legs up in the air and spread....completely exposed.  I spent most of Tuesday evening, and a good bit of Wednesday dealing with some severe anxiety....I was having to work myself out of having a panic-attack.  I reached out to our church group and a few friends for prayers.

Today went SO much better than I could have anticipated.  Every nurse I encountered, the anesthesiologist, the on-call doctor, EVERYONE, was wonderful!!!  And, as I hoped, I was deeply sedated before my legs went into the stirrups (these stirrups by the way, are MUCH WORSE than the typical stirrups at your OB/GYN office).  My recovery has been pretty good too.  I had some slight pain right after I woke up from the procedure, but they gave me some meds in my iv that eased it immediately.  Overall, I have just been really tired, a little uncomfortable and sore today...Nothing too bad.  I think the worse thing has been the on and off nausea that I have had and having to be so dependent on Chris.  I wasn't even allowed to even get up and go to the bathroom on my own earlier today...I can't pick Tenley up, etc.  

When I left today, they told me that they were able to collect 19 eggs during the retrieval.  We'll know tomorrow morning/early afternoon how many of them were mature, what the quality of them was, and how the fertilization period went.  We chose to only fertilize 6-8 eggs, so I'm anxious to see how many they actually attempted to fertilize, how many of those successfully fertilized, and what the progress of them is so far.....Waiting round two has begun!

We will either be going in on Sunday or Tuesday for our transfer depending on if we end up with a Day 3 or Day 5 transfer.  While I hope that we make it to a Day 5 transfer on Tuesday (many believe that the embryos, or blastocytes, at this stage have a better implantation rate), there would be something cool about having our Day 3 transfer on Sunday----Mother's Day.  Our sweet babies are in God's hands now.....We'll see what happens.  We still welcome all prayers right now. :)

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Another Good Report

We had our Cycle Day 8 Appointment this morning.  We had another ultrasound and they did blood work to check my estrogen levels again.  We were fortunate to receive another great report today.  Apparently my body is doing exactly what it needs to be doing. 

Last time we went (Thursday, 5/2/13) my estrogen levels were 172.  The nurse said we would be using that as a baseline, with a goal of them increasing each time we went to show that the medication is working.  Today, my estrogen levels were 626.  They're definitely going up. :)  Yay!
On Thursday, I had a total of 4 developing follicles.  Today, I was up to 13 good developing follicles.  Another great step.  My doctor is keeping all my medication doses the same for now, and I am going in again tomorrow morning for another check up. 

I'm so thankful that everything is working so well.  It makes my worrying nature come out some.  I worry that things are going too well that some hiccup is bound to come along.  At the same time, we're having to go through IVF, so things aren't going as smoothly as possible.  I am extremely grateful that things are going so well for the process that we're having to undergo. 

It's extremely crazy to me to think about the fact that in the next week or so, I will be pregnant with two precious babies.  That two week wait to find out if the pregnancy(ies) are successful will definitely tough though. 

For right now, I'm going to focus on the positives.....things are good, and WE ARE BLESSED! This wasn't the road I thought we'd be traveling, but God is providing many blessing through our travels and teaching me how to have true joy.  :)



Thursday, May 2, 2013

Oh, How He Loves to Me....

The day after the big prayer discussion that Chris and I had, I came across a quote on pinterest that was fitting.  God never ceases to amaze me at how I come across things in perfect timings....I think they can be some of the ways He speaks to me.


Right now, our prayers are awkward to say the least.....we are constantly at odds as to whether we pray for what we desire, pray for God's will, pray for both???  In this process, God has certainly taught me about prayer....I have transitioned more to just chatting with God....speaking the truths of my heart...not necessarily "asking" for anything.  It is true that the power of prayer is not in me and my prayers....it's "in the One who hears it."  Thank goodness for that!

Anyway, the point of this post was more to provide an update on our progress this cycle, but I did feel the need to share that.  God is working in me in SO many ways. 

So, update time:

Last time we left, I had just gone for my Day 2 ultrasound & estrogen check, and despite having a larger than they would like cyst, I was given the go ahead to begin my injections.  Since then:

Sunday, April 28, 2013: CD2- Ultrasound & Estrogen check; (estrogen level came back at 22 so we were able to start the process) started Follistim 150 IU at 9 PM
Monday, April 29, 2013: CD3- Follistim 150 IU at 9 PM
Tuesday, April 30, 2013: CD4- Follistim 150 IU at 9 PM
Wednesday, May 1, 2013: CD5- Follistim 150 IU at 9 PM
Thursday, May 2, 2013: CD6- Went in for my for progress check ultrasound and estrogen level.  Estrogen level came back at 172 (I think?) and I had four developing follicles: 3 on the right & 1 on the left (can't remember the exact measurements...I believe they were all between 1.1-1.8 in size right now).

The nurse said that I am exactly where they want me to be right now.  It's early, so I shouldn't have too many follicles yet, because they don't want me to hyper-stimulate.  Tomorrow morning, I add in my ganirelix injection in the morning, and I get to go back Saturday to check our progress again! Yay!  Hopefully, things will continue to successfully progress.

Just feeling blessed right now....