Yesterday I got the call from the doctor's office with our fertilization report post egg retrieval. We had spoken with the doctor a couple days prior to retrieval and decided to fertilize 6-8 eggs. Now, while in my head I thought this meant we would "attempt" to fertilize 6-8 eggs (with the hopes that maybe 5-6 would actually fertilize), the doctor took its as we wanted to end up with 6-8 fertilized eggs/embryos. Therefore, the lab attempted to fertilize 9 eggs. Well, we turned out to be one of those rare cases where we had 100% fertilization of all 9 eggs....therefore, as of yesterday, we had 9 embryos.....9 little babies. Simultaneously, my heart was saying "awww" and "yay" and my head was saying "holy crap!" I'm dying to have more babies, but I can't have 9 more! This is where I hate that such wonderful news became tainted....
The mixture of emotions I felt are almost too much to try to explain....and to be honest, some of them I am fearful to share out of fear of being judged....
However, my purpose for blogging was two-fold: 1. It is serving as a form of therapy to me as I am traveling down this incredibly emotional path; 2. I am doing this in effort to be transparent with my feelings and open about the process in hopes that my struggles can serve as comfort for others having to go on this journey as well....
With that said, I'll do my best to explain. I have always wanted a big family.....but big in terms of like 4 kids....not 10. I am absolutely elated that everything has gone almost picture perfectly---medically/scientifically speaking throughout this whole process. They were able to retrieve 19 eggs....a great number, and 16 of them were mature! That's awesome. Then, we were able to freeze 7 of our eggs and had 100% fertilization on the remaining 9 of them. Again, it couldn't have been more successful than that. The nurse said it was great and with our fertilization being so successful, we would probably make it to the Day 5 transfer rather than the Day 3, which is also what we were hoping for (some clinics have shown a 10% increase in success rate with Day 5 transfers in comparison to Day 3). Yay for all of this.....except for the fact that I don't want to have 9 more babies.....
I know that the odds are low for all 9 embryos surviving all the way to Day 5....but how horrible is it that my hopes in not having 9 more children are resting in the fact that not all my babies will make it. It makes me feel like an awful person. I don't want any of my babies (and yes, I consider everyone of those 9 embryos to be a living, growing baby of mine) to not survive this process, and at the very same time, I do not want to have 9 more children. This is just a horrible spot to be sitting in. And I'm sure that many out there still on their fertility journey are probably judging me for these thoughts.....but they're real thoughts and feelings that I'm struggling with right now....
Other than that, I don't know what to say on the situation.....I'm just kind of stuck in a limbo of emotions between excitement for the success thus far, and the fear of what may come....
As for where we are in the process now:
Thursday, May 9, 2013- Egg Retrieval at 8:30; had to arrive at 7:00 (I'll have to post a picture of the shirt that Chris wore to this appointment since this was when he had to do his "job/part" as well.
Friday, May 10, 2013- got the fertilization report:
They retrieved 19 eggs, 16 of which were mature
They froze 7 of the eggs & fertilized 9
We had 100% fertilization rate & all 9 eggs fertilized and were now embryos (which is rare)
Based on the fertilization report, the nurse said that we would most likely have a Day 5 transfer since fertilization went so well. She said that a nurse would call on Saturday to tentatively schedule a Day 3 transfer just in case.
Saturday, May 11, 2013- we got the call from the nurse at 8:30 this morning scheduling our tentative transfer for tomorrow (day 3). She said there was a note in the file that we would most likely be doing a Day 5 transfer, which usually meant that would happen, but that they had to schedule a Day 3 transfer just in case. We are tentatively scheduled for a Day 3 Transfer tomorrow at 10:00 and need to arrive by 9:45. They will call between 8:00-8:30 tomorrow morning with an update and to let us know if the transfer is a go, or if we will be waiting until Tuesday.
So I guess we'll see what they say in the morning. Right now, I'm going to anxiously await the call tomorrow and thank God for this blessing....Regardless how the anxiety that is coming with it, this is a blessing.
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