Mourn: to feel or express sorrow or grief; to grieve or lament for the dead
Mourning.....typically when we hear this word we automatically associate it with death. For me, I even picture a traditional wake where everyone's wearing black, the women even have black veils over their faces, and the masses of people are crying & wailing out in their pain and sorrow over the loss of a loved one.
Today, I am mourning. Not in the traditional wearing black and sobbing uncontrollably sort of way, but I'm mourning nontheless. Mourning is expressing sorrow over death. The death doesn't always have to be of a person though. We can mourn the loss or death of anything.....of a pet, a friendship, a marriage, or as it is in my case, the death of a dream.
As we grow up, whether we realize it or not, we all have a vision in our minds of what our life is going to be....when we'll get married, the type of person we'll marry, where we'll live, our jobs, babies, vacations, and so on.
My life is AMAZING....it's certainly not everything that I would have envisioned it to be, but it's amazing nontheless. Some areas are SO MUCH better than I imagined, and others haven't been quite up to parr. My husband....I never imagined I'd fall in love with a man that was 13 years older than me. That definitely was not a part of my plan. I also never thought that I would have a husband that understands me, cares for me and loves me the way that he does either. I'm thankful that my marriage is not what I envisioned.....it's so much better.Financially, I never thought we would have struggled the way we did at the start of our marriage. It was extremely hard, but it challenged us. And now that we're only a couple months away from having ZERO credit card debt, I see all that we learned and how it made us stronger. I'm thankful it wasn't easy, and wasn't what I envisioned.
Today, however, I am mournring the loss of what I envisioned for conceiving and creating my family. No girl grows up thinking "Awww.....I can't wait until I grow up and get married. My husband and I will love each other so much, that one day we'll make a baby in a petri dish, in a cold labratory with skilled doctors that we don't even know." I always thought Chris and I would build our family in the intimacy of our own bed...that our baby would be a product of our love (however corny that may sound). So today, I'm mourning the death of that dream.
Let me go ahead and say that I know that people who aren't even able to conceive at all are probably sick with how I feel considering that I already have one child and that IVF is even a possibility for us.....I get that I am beyond blessed in these ways and I am so incredibly grateful. I am still human, and while my loss is different, it's still a loss for me, and I still hurt.
So today, as I mourn this loss, I search for joy in it. There will be tears....I'll cry out in pain, but I will find joy in the fact that this loss can be a gain in God's greater good. I can already feel God changing me and see the many ways He will use this experience for His good!
*****Side note: For those of you in a different stage of your journey, please know that seeking joy in these pains was not always something I could do. I went through times where all I felt was pain and sadness.....I didn't want to get out of bed, and at times felt numb to the world. I also went through periods of anger----anger with God for putting me through this; anger with anyone who had children or who was pregnant; anger with those who didn't understand what I was going through; anger with people in my life that just tried to love me throughout the process; and even anger at myself for feeling so angry....
This has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. I'm just trying to use these periods of hope & joy to the most of my ability right now. But again, know that this is not always where I've been.....
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