Sometimes, I can't help but notice that life is a constant waiting game.....When we're kids, we are waiting until we grow up. Then, until we go to college, then get a job, then get married, then find a house, then have kids, then find a better house, then find a better job, and so on and so on. No matter what, it seems like we're always in the waiting process for whatever is next. I've tried so hard to live life rather than just waiting on whatever is supposed to be next.
This morning though, we are waiting. For over a week, I have felt frustrated as I have impatiently waited for my cycle to start so we could finally get going with IVF. Well, it finally did. We went in for our first check this morning where we did an ultrasound and blood work to make sure all was clear before starting the injections. They actually found a cyst on my left ovary. So, now we're waiting again. We are waiting for my blood work results to come back to determine if this is a cyst we can still proceed with, or if this is something that is going to cause us to have to WAIT even more and skip this cycle.
I couldn't help but feel frustrated this morning. I had mixed emotions to say the least. I was disappointed, frustrated, trying to stay positive, etc. Why was this happening??? Is this not the time for us? Is this not what we're even supposed to do? Was God still trying to work on my patience & joy? Or, (for the sake of being transparent in my feelings) was He just enjoying messing with me? Awful thought, I know....but it was there.
I cried some and thought a lot.... I spent a lot of my time trying to pray and then talking through some of my feelings aloud with Chris. I wanted so desperately to just pray about this....I wanted this situation just covered in prayer. I asked my mom to pray and even text messaged our Village (our small group from church) asking for prayers, but when it came down to it, I didn't know how to pray about this situation myself. What do I say? I know the Bible tells us that God wants us to pray for the desires of our heart.....I deeply desire to be able to start this IVF process....I deeply desire to have a baby.... I also know that God's will is perfect and I can't help but wonder that if my heart was truly where it needed to be, would God's will be the deepest desire of my heart....so I sat frozen for a while....what do I pray? So, that's kind of how I had to leave it with God.....I laid out what my heart desired, but also that I know His will is perfect. I didn't necessarily pray one way or the other because I couldn't..... I just chose to be transparent to God (since I am anyway). God knows our hearts and thoughts....we might as well be real with those feelings when we pray too......
Through this process, I went from the feelings of disappointment, frustration, confusion, etc. to feeling a sense of calm. However this all turned out, I know that God was in control of it all. That doesn't negate the fact that if it doesn't turn out like I want that I won't feel pain, because I WILL.. But, I know that in the end, God's plan is best, and at some point down the road....and for all I know, it may be a L-O-N-G way down the road, I'll be able to see bits and pieces of God's plan and know that it hurt, but it was all worth it.....
****By the way- we did end up getting a call when I was in the process of editing this post that our doctor is giving us the green light to go ahead and start our injections tonight. Yay! While I admit it is easier to say this in these moments, than during times when things are tough, God is so good... It's hard, but I constantly try to praise God through the storms of life. I'm especially grateful that he calmed the seas a bit for us this morning.
Praise You in this Storm http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno
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