Our First Ultrasound

On Monday, June 10, 2013 we went in for our first ultrasound & doctor's appointment.  At this time, the nurse confirmed that we were 6 1/2 weeks (6 weeks, 4 days) and our due date was January 29, 2014. We also got to see our baby for the first time.

Ultrasound #1 on 6/10/13
6 weeks 4 days pregnant

Measuring 6 wks, 3 days

Heard Heartbeat for the 1st time
Heartbeat: 127 bpm

We also found out at this appointment that we just had 1 little baby growing in there.  I was so overjoyed about hearing my baby's heartbeat and knowing that he/she was okay, that it didn't dawn on me until the next day what that meant.....It meant we had one healthy, growing baby, but it also meant that we lost a baby too.

I am thankful that I got to spend Monday being so excited about our baby, but I spent all of Tuesday mourning the loss of our other sweet baby.  We have lost a total of 5 babies throughout this process at this point.  Four of them stopped developing in the lab, and one of our transferred embryos didn't make it.  The loss of each and everyone of them hurts, but there is something even more painful about the one we transferred not making it....I guess (as wrong as this may sound), I felt closer to it since it was inside me, and a part of me.  I felt that since it didn't implant and make it, my body failed it.  As a mother, there is no worse feeling than feeling like you can't protect your baby.

It's hard to mourn the loss of one baby and celebrate another.  I wonder if I will always feel like this....When our baby's delivery date is here, will it feel different since there were supposed to be two babies????  It's just hard.  This is one of those things that I tried not to focus on as we went through this process.....once we were in it though, we had to mourn.  It hit both Chris and me pretty hard.  I want to just focus on my one healthy baby, but that makes me feel horrible....like I'm forgetting my baby, or babies, that didn't make it....

I have to remember that this is all in God's hands.  My body didn't fail to protect and grow my baby.  God is in control and gave us what we were meant to have.  So I am going to keep my mind focused on that for now and focus on my love for this rapidly growing baby inside me.  I'm going to focus on how incredibly blessed I am.