Waiting....Waiting.....Waiting.....

Sometimes, I can't help but notice that life is a constant waiting game.....When we're kids, we are waiting until we grow up.  Then, until we go to college, then get a job, then get married, then find a house, then have kids, then find a better house, then find a better job, and so on and so on.  No matter what, it seems like we're always in the waiting process for whatever is next.  I've tried so hard to live life rather than just waiting on whatever is supposed to be next. 
This morning though, we are waiting.  For over a week, I have felt frustrated as I have impatiently waited for my cycle to start so we could finally get going with IVF.  Well, it finally did.  We went in for our first check this morning where we did an ultrasound and blood work to make sure all was clear before starting the injections.  They actually found a cyst on my left ovary.  So, now we're waiting again.  We are waiting for my blood work results to come back to determine if this is a cyst we can still proceed with, or if this is something that is going to cause us to have to WAIT even more and skip this cycle. 

I couldn't help but feel frustrated this morning.  I had mixed emotions to say the least. I was disappointed, frustrated, trying to stay positive, etc.  Why was this happening???  Is this not the time for us? Is this not what we're even supposed to do? Was God still trying to work on my patience & joy? Or, (for the sake of being transparent in my feelings) was He just enjoying messing with me?  Awful thought, I know....but it was there. 

I cried some and thought a lot.... I spent a lot of my time trying to pray and then talking through some of my feelings aloud with Chris.  I wanted so desperately to just pray about this....I wanted this situation just covered in prayer.  I asked my mom to pray and even text messaged our Village (our small group from church) asking for prayers, but when it came down to it, I didn't know how to pray about this situation myself.  What do I say?  I know the Bible tells us that God wants us to pray for the desires of our heart.....I deeply desire to be able to start this IVF process....I deeply desire to have a baby....  I also know that God's will is perfect and I can't help but wonder that if my heart was truly where it needed to be, would God's will be the deepest desire of my heart....so I sat frozen for a while....what do I pray?  So, that's kind of how I had to leave it with God.....I laid out what my heart desired, but also that I know His will is perfect.  I didn't necessarily pray one way or the other because I couldn't.....  I just chose to be transparent to God (since I am anyway).  God knows our hearts and thoughts....we might as well be real with those feelings when we pray too......

Through this process, I went from the feelings of disappointment, frustration, confusion, etc. to feeling a sense of calm.  However this all turned out, I know that God was in control of it all.  That doesn't negate the fact that if it doesn't turn out like I want that I won't feel pain, because I WILL..  But, I know that in the end, God's plan is best, and at some point down the road....and for all I know, it may be a L-O-N-G way down the road, I'll be able to see bits and pieces of God's plan and know that it hurt, but it was all worth it.....

****By the way- we did end up getting a call when I was in the process of editing this post that our doctor is giving us the green light to go ahead and start our injections tonight.  Yay! While I admit it is easier to say this in these moments, than during times when things are tough, God is so good... It's hard, but I constantly try to praise God through the storms of life.  I'm especially grateful that he calmed the seas a bit for us this morning. 

Praise You in this Storm http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno

God Steps in When I Begin to Waiver

     Today, my joy began to waiver somewhat, and my frustration and anger began to set in.....not in the typical "why me?" way, but just frustration with some people.  Let me begin by saying that this is THE most stressful time of the year EVERY year for me.  My students are going to be taking the CRCT (our big state standardized test) next week,  and we are going nonstop right now trying to get in as much review as we can.  So, as usual for this time of year, my day consisted of that.  On top of that, I received awful news about a friend, and had a rough afternoon that produced some of the ugly sad/angry feelings for a bit.  I'll leave the details of this tough afternoon at that......and just add, watch what you say.  What you take forgranted, others are dying to have.....

Dealing with the situtation that I did this afternoon...after the pain and anger subsided, I started thinking about how well I have been handling this fertility stuff right now considering what my past responses have been....I have been trusting God.....trying to be joyful.....of course, it was time for Satan to pounce.  That's how he works.....

I was able to fight some of these feelings (pain, anger) off pretty quickly. The thoughtfulness of a friend helped bring me completely back to the picture of joy and the fact that God's got this!  On Wednesdays, my husband and I host youth group for our church at our house.  Our pastor's wife was dropping her daughter off for group and brought me a beautiful vase of tulips (the one's pictured above and below). It was so thoughtful, and I knew that God was using her...I needed a small reminder today of God's love and the love of others.  Outside of the perfect timing for this random act of kindness, the flowers were purple..........now, most of you are probably thinking "And???????"  Purple is so special because purple is the color of infertility.  It made it even more clear that God's hand was in this.

What I found to be even more incredible in all this, is that these flowers were handpicked from a community garden....The initial plan for these flowers was to plant them, sell them at a Spring Market (which takes place in May), and use the profits to continue to sustain the garden.  Due to the crazy weather we've had this year, the tulips came in early and won't make it to market....therefore, random gifts of flowers....

I don't find this to be coincidental....God knew what He was doing in his perfect timing for bringing these flowers to bloom.....(oh, I can totally see symbolism in this with the timing of pregnancy too, but that's another blog post).  I needed these flowers today, and I am sure that I am not the only one that received these random gifts that needed them too.....

They were purple.........they were meant for me........God's timing is perfect.  He keeps us steady when the storm begins to rage. I'm so grateful God helped me to realign my focus on joy & on Him so quickly.....

Trying to Find Joy in the Process of Mourning

(written on Sunday, April 7, 2013; typed and posted on Tuesday, April 9, 2013)

Mourn: to feel or express sorrow or grief; to grieve or lament for the dead

     Mourning.....typically when we hear this word we automatically associate it with death.  For me, I even picture a traditional wake where everyone's wearing black, the women even have black veils over their faces, and the masses of people are crying & wailing out in their pain and sorrow over the loss of a loved one.

     Today, I am mourning.  Not in the traditional wearing black and sobbing uncontrollably sort of way, but I'm mourning nontheless.  Mourning is expressing sorrow over death.  The death doesn't always have to be of a person though.  We can mourn the loss or death of anything.....of a pet, a friendship, a marriage, or as it is in my case, the death of a dream.

     As we grow up, whether we realize it or not, we all have a vision in our minds of what our life is going to be....when we'll get married, the type of person we'll marry, where we'll live, our jobs, babies, vacations, and so on.

     My life is AMAZING....it's certainly not everything that I would have envisioned it to be, but it's amazing nontheless.  Some areas are SO MUCH better than I imagined, and others haven't been quite up to parr.  My husband....I never imagined I'd fall in love with a man that was 13 years older than me.  That definitely was not a part of my plan.  I also never thought that I would have a husband that understands me, cares for me and loves me the way that he does either.  I'm thankful that my marriage is not what I envisioned.....it's so much better.

     Financially, I never thought we would have struggled the way we did at the start of our marriage.  It was extremely hard, but it  challenged us.  And now that we're only a couple months away from having ZERO credit card debt, I see all that we learned and how it made us stronger.  I'm thankful it wasn't easy, and wasn't what I envisioned.

     Today, however, I am mournring the loss of what I envisioned for conceiving and creating my family.  No girl grows up thinking "Awww.....I can't wait until I grow up and get married.  My husband and I will love each other so much, that one day we'll make a baby in a petri dish, in a cold labratory with skilled doctors that we don't even know." I always thought Chris and I would build our family in the intimacy of our own bed...that our baby would be a product of our love (however corny that may sound).  So today, I'm mourning the death of that dream.

     Let me go ahead and say that I know that people who aren't even able to conceive at all are probably sick with how I feel considering that I already have one child and that IVF is even a possibility for us.....I get that I am beyond blessed in these ways and I am so incredibly grateful.  I am still human, and while my loss is different, it's still a loss for me, and I still hurt.

     So today, as I mourn this loss, I search for joy in it.  There will be tears....I'll cry out in pain, but I will find joy in the fact that this loss can be a gain in God's greater good.  I can already feel God changing me and see the many ways He will use this experience for His good!

     

*****Side note: For those of you in a different stage of your journey, please know that seeking joy in these pains was not always something I could do.  I went through times where all I felt was pain and sadness.....I didn't want to get out of bed, and at times felt numb to the world.  I also went through periods of anger----anger with God for putting me through this; anger with anyone who had children or who was pregnant; anger with those who didn't understand what I was going through; anger with people in my life that just tried to love me throughout the process; and even anger at myself for feeling so angry....

This has been a roller coaster ride to say the least.  I'm just trying to use these periods of hope & joy to the most of my ability right now.  But again, know that this is not always where I've been.....

Beyond Blessed

Well, today was a wonderful day.  For almost a solid week now, I have felt like I was almost drowning in anxiety.  The IVF information overload was consuming my thoughts day and night (to the point where it was all I dreamed about...when I could actually sleep).  There are so many details and SO much information.....so many questions.  And, being the planner that I am, much of my stress was just coming from the whole "not knowing" what our protocol was going to be for our IVF cycle.  I have constantly been worrying about what different medications I would take, the dosages of each medicine, how much would they all cost, would this work, and so on. 

Today was the day I had been waiting for....the day we were meeting with our nurse to actually go over our protocol, and the day we would get most of our questions answered.  Everything we heard today was great.  The only thing that could have made today better would have been if the nurse told us we were already pregnant and didn't have to do any of this....but where would the fun in that be?! :)

Not only did we get our questions answered, and I got the reassurance that I needed that I am a very good candidate for this process with very good odds of success (even though nothing is certain or can be guaranteed), and found out that our medications were going to be WAY less than we had anticipated. 

On top of all the good news we received at the doctor's office, we also received another blessing from a sweet friend.  This is what made my heart absolutely swell.  One of the wonderful women that I work with underwent IVF herself on multiple occasions and started trying for a baby before we even got pregnant with Tenley.  After several IVF attempts, and almost giving up, they finally were successful and are expecting not one, but two sweet babies in a couple months.  YAY!
When I first found out we were going to have to undergo IVF, she was the one I went to.  While I initially only got a few minutes with her in passing to chit-chat about the whole IVF process, she eased my anxiety....This sweet friend called me tonight to check on me and see how things were going, and on top of all of that, told me that she had a $900 bottle of medication (unopened) that she wanted to just give us.  Since it was one of the medications we needed, I offered to pay her and she absolutely refused.  She said that others had helped them some along the way, and they had hoped that they would be able to use that bottle of medication to help someone else. What an amazing blessing......

I also believe that God is using this to teach me something else as well.  I have always been someone that would much rather bless somebody else than have someone bless me.  It actually makes me physically uncomfortable when someone does something selfless for me... I'm not used to it....Giving is WAY easier than receiving.  Something that I'm trying to learn though, (and it is NOT easy) is that you can bless somebody else by allowing them to bless you....Of all the lessons God has tried to teach me over the years, and it feels like there has been A LOT, this is definitely a tough one. I'm thankful for this learning experience, and for my sweet friend & her husband.    I hope that one day, in whatever form it may be, that I may serve as a blessing to someone else that's hurting and going through this as well...

I am beyond blessed.....

Feeling the Love

This is going to be short and sweet....I am SO thankful for the people that God has placed in our life, in general, and especially over the last year.  There was a period of time (a couple years) that I didn't think we'd ever find a church home again.  It seemed as if what we were looking for, the type of church we felt God calling us to, just didn't exist.....I am so grateful, that through a very dear friend, we found that church family. 

I am especially thankful for the small group that we get to meet with every Monday night.  I love these people, and I know they love us.  Tonight, we felt the love of our group as they put their hands on us and prayed over us.  As we are preparing for our "teaching" appointment on Wednesday where we'll find out what our IVF protocol is and actually get the ball rolling, this love and prayer was needed and greatly appreciated. 

So to my group, I say thank you. I know God has put you in our life for a reason. You are being used by Him in more ways that you know.  Nothing about this current journey is easy,  but I still consider us blessed.